I stand silently for a while, thinking.
I feel a bit conflicted.
On the one side, I’m happy. Very happy. This is the first time since I’ve been reincarnated that someone has said such heartfelt words to me. She loves me. This is something that I’ve wished for even in my past life. That’s all I really wanted, was to feel loved.
On the other side: does she mean it? My previous life… gave me many opportunities to learn what loving means, and also what it doesn’t mean. How my previous wife expressed her ‘love’ was not what I needed to feel cherished. I’m worried that if I’m not careful, I’ll end up in a similar situation. Actually, I’m already there. I already feel unappreciated in these relationships I have with Lilia and Dubhe. And, honestly, my children were too young, when I was alive, to appreciate me as a parent.
I wonder: do they, Dubhe and Lillia, feel loved? Does my affection, the things I do for them, cause them to feel treasured? We have been travelling for a while, but I’ve honestly been so lost in thought, that I’ve failed to even think about their feelings. Maybe not just lost, but regretting my actions that led to this moment. There was Mika, then Lillia, and now Dubhe, and children on the way… A lot has happened to give me regrets about my actions.
“Dubhe, Lilia… I’m not from around here…” What the hell am I doing? Will this just be another regret?
Dubhe smiles at me, and nods. “We know, hun, the Enclave is very different than the forest.”
“No… I mean, I’m not from the enclave… or the forest, or any of the settlements…” I feel warm; my ears start to burn. What am I doing? Why am I saying this now of all times?
“…Huh?” Her smile fades.
“The Goddess… brought me back to life… from another world. She said she owed me or something.” Why?! I’ve been hiding it this all this time, and I tell her now?!
Dubhe’s shoulders droop and she tilts her head. She starts to mull over this new information.
“I’ve only been alive for… maybe a year… erm, three hundred and fifty cycles? Or so… In this world.” I imagine her getting mad at me, and shredding me to bits in her fury, for some reason. I’m sure I’m cringing right now.
Dubhe’s frowning now. Lilia is sitting still, without any clear emotion on her face.
“Before… I was alive for forty years or so, I think… I had a wife and two kids… Both little girls. My memories from then are… somewhat hazy…” I continue, but I’m not sure why. I feel like this is important, and I know where I want it to go, but… Maybe this isn’t the right way.
Dubhe puts her head down and covers her face in her hands.
“I… I didn’t have the best relationship with my wife… from what I can remember. We argued a lot. I did my best to treat her well, the way she wanted to be treated. She… didn’t seem happy with that ever. I also wasn’t happy. I never felt that she loved me after we had kids-”
“What do -” I haven’t gotten to the most important part.
“We aren’t your old wife. You’re dead. Er, or… errr… died? That’s not you anymore. You’re here. We’re here. They aren’t.” She’s right, I can’t dispute that. She’s still hiding her face.
“Well… yes. That’s true.” I feel like I need to get to my point though. This wasn’t about my old wife. She’s only a reference point.
I wait for a moment before I continue. I don’t want to be rude and assume she’s done talking.
She doesn’t continue, so I do: “Anyway, I think we may have done things a bit in the wrong order. Because I never considered if you two felt loved.”
“Stop it!” Dubhe half roars, half yells at me.
“Do you think Lilia and ourselves would be here, with you, would be bearing your children, if we didn’t love you? Do you think we would follow along, or lead the way if we didn’t feel loved? We walked for hundreds of cycles while bearing children, just to be with you! You STOP. Right. Right… Now. Stop.” She started strong, but her voice is quivering now. I wasn’t going for making her cry. What a disaster.
“No, that’s only half of it. And this is why I think we did it in the wrong order. You coming along… Both of you, very well could be attributed to Gaia. Having my children… I get that must something much more… But everything I’ve done for you over the past few months… I hardly get any reciprocation for it. I feel like… you’ve asked for the world to prove my affection, and I’ve been given no affection in return!” God…dess… I feel like a dick now. My throat is dry.
“What?!” Dubhe looks up at me with a dangerous glint in her eyes.
“I mean, I’m sure you mean well in all you do, but that’s not what I want in a relationship… It doesn’t make me feel loved.” I can’t stand this type of talk. I always feel like a jerk at the end of it.
Dubhe stands up and walks out without another word. Lilia comes over, pats my head, and follows after.
I knew this was going to happen. Why did I say all of that? Am I really that bad at relationships?
Thanks for the support! I am in your care!
Hopefully we can keep on 2 chapter a week, at least for a while. No guarantees though.