“We can’t believe how terribly stupid you are!” Dubhe yells at me after we get into our room. “You talked directly to the queen without being addressed? And imply that she does anything for you? Foolish husband of ours!” She is furious, interspersing her words with roars. She is also waving her claws around fairly wildly. I’ve made sure to keep a safe distance away.
There isn’t much for me to do but stand here. I mean, to be honest, what she says is true… However, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. None of it was intentional. Also, I feel a bit like I was put in a position to fail. There was no prep, no warning, no ‘hey, that’s the queen, you know? Behave.’
“We- We feel like slicing you to ribbons right now and feasting on your meat!” That’s not what I wanted to hear, but after saying that, she suddenly breaks down and starts crying on the floor.
While I’m happy to not be the target of her anger and berating anymore — it had gone on for about five minutes now — I’m not sure why she’s crying or what to do to help. Lilia pushes my back by leaning into me.
Rather forcefully, actually. I give in and move towards Dubhe. I’m a bit worried about consoling her when she wants to shred and eat me, but… Would Lilia lead me astray?
Yes, yes she would. Not intentionally though. I think.
I sigh, and hug Dubhe. Lilia wraps vines around both of us, and rests her remaining weight on my back. We are effectively a pile of fluff and vines at this point. It really is quite comfortable.
I’m not sure how or why, but when Lilia hugs, her vines become soft, almost like they have some sort of fur on them. It’s very soothing.
After a while, Dubhe calms down and hugs me back. Lilia smiles at us.
“I don’t want to be eaten.” That’s the truth, I’m happy to be alive.
“We get mad, and you’d be delicious, but then we think about how sad we’d be if you were gone, and it’s much more than our belly’s hunger.” I’m not sure that’s as much a consolation as she wants it to be. “So stop making us angry.”
“I try my best, every day.” There is no lie in that statement. This is what frustrates me about our situation. I know both girls probably aren’t in their best form, being pregnant and all. But every day, I try very hard to treat them as best I can. I do the things they ask, I tell them how much I appreciate them. I hug them, I spend time with them (not that I could escape them). Everything I can provide, I do.
In return? I feel they just ask for more. It’s a bit like they feel appreciated, loved… and must think that they are doing well as partners, so don’t bother to reciprocate. I have two women with me every day, both of whom will be mothers to my children. Yet I feel alone.
What do I say though? ‘You need to step it up. I know you’re carrying a whole litter of children, but you’re not making me feel appreciated.’ Every time I think about it, it just sounds asinine. If I’m being honest, most days, it’s simply a passing thought when I take care of my own needs. Then, in situations like this, where I am just berated for minutes, and still am required to give more. This is when I feel the most lonely.
Then I think about how, really, I should just take ownership of my feelings. That doesn’t really help though. At the end of the day, I’ve allowed myself to become a victim of my own mechanisms. Who put me in this position? Me. I could have resisted more. To be fair, it was a lot of fun. I could change how I look at it as well: my partners are showing me affection… I guess. In her own way, Dubhe not eating me is her affection. Lilia not wandering off back to her tree could be her affection. Maybe. Probably.
That isn’t what I want, though. At the same time, I have communicated what I want. Although, it was more at the beginning of the journey to the library. Lillia was already too far gone in her own world to respond at that point, and Dubhe just snorted at me told me ‘You’ve had enough.’ Is it fair to ask for them to be affectionate towards me in the way I want? Even if they are carrying children?
I don’t know.
Either way, right now, I need to discuss the problem at hand. “Dubhe, listen. I don’t know the bearfolk culture. Erm, I don’t know it well… I mean, I know some, but not enough. I need you to help me.”
She huffs a large sigh.
“Gaia makes this hard! We are to compromise, so we let you talk as much as you want! Males are silent in bearfolk culture. They never talk unless spoken to.” That seems reasonable information to have maybe… yesterday, before we arrived.
I think for a few moments, and suddenly Lilia pats my head. I look up, and she’s smiling at me.
I never know what’s running through her head. Initially, I thought she was very much an airhead. The longer I’m around her, though, the more her actions and words feel intentional… when she uses them.
Maybe she’s saying there is a way for all of us to get what we need out of this situation?
Thanks for the support! I am in your care!
Happy New Years! erm… in 4 hours for me…