“Oh, look who’s back already?”
I sit in a familiar white room in front of a familiar assface.
Realizing what had just transpired, I fail to give an answer to god.
I just died again didn’t I? Shit…
I put on a weird, distorted expression filled with frustration, as if I’m struggling to turn super saiyan…or take a dump, they both work. The gravity of my situation hit me like a Nissan truck.
“What? Not gonna try to roast me again?”
God asks but I don’t respond. Instead, I roll my eyes and curse at myself in my heart. I calm down after a brief moment and collect my thoughts, and as I take a deep breath, I say,
“*Sigh, I’m not in the mood. Besides, it’s not like you’re gonna give me a third chance at life, so might as well make the most of my final peaceful moments before I rot in hell.”
My true feelings spill out, as I just experienced an end of life epiphany. Think of it as going through the five stages of grief in a matter of seconds.
“Oho, so you’ve finally changed after having such a traumatic experience, I see. Well, it only took you a lifetime and a bit to learn, but good for you. However, you should know that-”
“That’s not it. I overdosed on salt, is all. Now, I’m so triggered that my reaction has transcended to the height of ironic calmness.”
God stares at my unnaturally calm expression, contrary to the statement I just made.
How the hell did I die when I had the Finite Glove? That’s like losing as Meta Knight in Brawl.
That thought ran through my head as I lamented over my colossal failure.
“I was finally able to see the potential in the Finite Glove that you gave to me, which made it all the more painful when I died just as I realized it. I can’t help but curse at my own foolishness. But now it’s all over. I’ll have an eternity to lament once I’m in hell.”
I could do nothing but sigh and accept my fate.
“So what’s the process to hell like? Do you just snap your fingers and I start to not feel so good again?” I asked.
I was hoping for a straight answer from him, but he just sits there and laughs.
“Oh, that’s rich buddy. I’m really glad I kept you around now. You’re just full of surprises, aren’t ya?”
This time it was my turn to stare in confusion. What on earth is this assface god doing?
“Uh, you gonna tell me what’s so funny?” I inquired.
God waves his hand and a beer bottle materializes. He cracks it open and takes a long swig.
“Ahhhh… It’s as I say, you’re just full of surprises. I never expected that Finite Glove or whatever the hell it was to work. I just got it off eBay.”
“Wait what? Wasn’t it supposed to be my cheat ability? And who would sell an Infinity Gauntlet rip off this powerful on eBay? Why was it on eBay in the first place? Why the fuck would you buy one when you could just make one yourself? DO YOU EVEN OWN A CREDIT CARD?” I asked in quick succession.
I had so many unanswered questions, and the more I thought about them, the more questions came up. Soon enough, my sodium induced calmness starts to break away, and I became incredibly flustered.
“The fact that you expected anything from me is hilarious by itself, considering that you did nothing to deserve it. Man, you’re pathetic. Observing you is probably the most entertaining thing to happen to me in millenia.”
So that’s it? I’m just his entertainment?
A scowl appeared on my face. My previous questions were pushed to the back of my mind and were replaced with unyielding rage and a list of roasts I wanted to fire at god.
“*Sigh, I’m trying my hardest to pass on peacefully, but you’re making this really hard for me, you know that asshole?”, I say aggressively.
“Oh, that’s right, I was trying to say earlier that-”
“I’ve had about enough of your shit today. First you made me underestimate the Finite Glove, then you dump me in the middle of some forest, then you made me fall down a fucking hill?”
“Actually, that last one was all you”, god interjected.
“Can it, god of Assgard. If I’m going to hell, I’m gonna make you taste as much of it as I can these next few moments.”
My previously calm demeanour completely breaks away, leaving only the nastiest form one can possibly take. So basically your mom. I was about to start my flaming hot diss track, but god cut me short.
“See, that’s the thing I was trying to tell you. You’re not dead, dumbass. That silver haired girl saved your ass. In fact, you’re about to wake up any moment now.”
I couldn’t get any more pissed off than I already was, so I just stared in silence to his remark.
“Yeah, you heard what I said. Oh, just in time. Later, dumbass. Thank that girl for keeping my entertainment alive. Oh, and continue to make this a good show for me, aight?”
I come back to my senses, realizing that I still haven’t dropped my diss track yet.
“Nooooo, NOooooooo, NOOOOO! We’re not done ye-”
And thus, I wake up in the world I was just in.